Note: Some of the links in this post may be affiliates. This means I may earn a small commission if you purchase from a link I have provided (at no extra cost to you). Please don't buy any tools or products unless you feel and believe they will help you in reaching your parenting, play or homeschooling goals! Please see my disclosure for more info!! Thanks for always supporting Parenting Puh-lease!
Are you parenting on autopilot?
I don't know why but lately I have felt tired. I go to bed exhausted only to wake up more tired. And it seemss like when I am tired my parenting game is off. Instead it seems like my brain shuts off and I go into auto pilot. It's like grasping fort straws trying to remember what parenting tools I have to use instead of counting down, raising my voice, or times outs.
Why was I counting??
Today was one of those days and I caught myself threatening to count to three… count to three for what?? To put them on a timeout?! To punish them?! To what?!
It was then that I realized that I needed to step up my mommy game. I had to decide if my parenting style was going to reflect my beliefs and what I had been taught in school or parent on auto-pilot on how I had been raised.
I love my parents and I know they did the best they could in raising me but i don't want to be a brick wall parent. I truly believe some of my tendencies to people please comes as a result of brick wall parenting.
But that friend is a post for another day.
So, did you know there was actual parenting styles?? Much like teaching styles for teachers; there are parenting styles for parenting! So let's dive on in to the parenting styles and discuss why we all want to be back bone parents!!
I came to a huge aha! moment when I discovered there are three types of parenting (there are actually four for psychology but I am going to assume anyone reading my blog is not aiming to be a neglectful parent and that is why I skipped it!):
The permissive parent (jellyfish)- is usually kind and loving. But their main desire and goal is to be a child's friend first. There are few rules or expectations in the home, which means that a child has a lot more leniency given in the behavior that is displayed. Sometimes this means that the child will be running the household because the parent's desire is to always be a friend first.
Authoritarian parent (brick wall)- this is the type of parent who is very strict and will often say “because I said so!” There is an expectation that a child must listen and obey. There is no room for negotiation and the rules set in place can not be changed or broken.
Authoritative parent (backbone)- this type of parent sets clear guidelines but explains why there are certain rules and expectations in place. There is room for discussion and negotiation as to why the rules and expectations are there. The authoritative parent will still be firm and provide discipline when needed.
In order to become a more effective and successful parent, I thought it was important that I go back and review the parenting styles and decide which one I wanted to be. Did I want my children to be my friends? Did I want them to do what I say because I said so because I was the authority? Or did I want my girls to do as I asked because they wanted to choose the right and be intrinsically motivated to always be bettering themselves?
My Parenting Choice
In the end, for myself, it came down to the decision that I wanted to have children who wanted to do the right because it made them feel happy and good. I wanted them to choose the right because they were intrinsically motivated to do so. With that being said I think a child needs to be shaped and molded to have that intrinsic desire but I feel it comes more readily when we ourselves as parents are willing to admit our mistakes and work together as a family towards the goal of all becoming better citizens, family members, and friends.
If you want to know your parenting style… look out below!!
If you are interested in learning your parenting style you can check out the following links to know which parenting style you fit into!
Parenting Quiz #1 – This test is only fifteen questions long and you answer by either showing how much you agree or disagree. In the end, you have three places for results and they tell you examples of how you would parent.
Parenting Quiz #2– this test asks you questions both on what you believe and then has example questions of how you respond to your child! I loved it because I was thinking that maybe my truthfulness in my answers would sway the test than what I answered for beliefs but it has come out consistent towards the other tests I have taken
Parenting Quiz #3 this last test is based solely on examples and you pick which best fits with what you would do. I like that if you want a straight up this is your parenting style than I would choose this one. The other two options above provide a bit more explanation on what is what and can aid in helping you discover where your strengths and weaknesses lie.
Life gets busy…
And that seems to be when our parenting takes a hit. We spend more time finishing up work projects or running children to activities and burn ourselves out that we don't leave time to recharge ourselves. When momma isn't refreshed then our connections and play with our babies suffer. I find with parenting, especially intentional parenting or nurturing through play, that it is a conscious decision that you have to make every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. It is easy to slip into old habits of how we were raised but we need to break that mild and come back stronger for our babes.
We don't want to be jellyfish parents because let's face it we can be a friend after they are adults and we have helped shape and invite them to be good citizens of the world. We don't want to be brick wall parents and stomp the light or spirit out of them because lets face it our children don't need to be broken they need to be loved. Rather we want to encourage, invite and inspire our dear littles to follow us and in our footsteps so that they can be the best they can be. This is where the magic happens; when you consciously decide to be a backbone parent. We need to allow our children the opportunity to have a voice but follow through when limits are pushed.
Because oh puh-lease!! You've got this momma!!