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Hey Momma, It’s not your fault!!
Momma, has there been a time in your life where you have totally questioned if the result of something that happened to your child was your fault?? Oh you poor dear, I wish I was there to give you a hug because I have too!! For some reason, it seems like many of the conversations I have had with other mommas lately have focused around the what ifs. What if I did this differently?? What if I did that instead?? What if I just would have done this or done that?? Can you relate?? or would you believe me if I said, “Hey Momma, It’s not your fault!!”
For a long time I had a hard time coming to terms with Big Girl’s birth because the what if’s constantly kept playing through my head. My first tiny peanut arrived 4 weeks early weighing in at only 3 pounds and 15 ounces via emergency c-section. I had gone for a routine ultrasound because my precious babe was measuring small. At that ultrasound I ended up being told that I needed to go to the hospital. From there everything spiralled downwards and within less than an hour I saw a tiny babe held up who was then quickly whisked away. Her eyes pierced me because the eyes that I looked at were not actually those that I have seen from other babies. Those eyes bore deep into my soul because they were the eyes of wisdom. I felt like for a brief moment I was looking into the eyes of a very wise soul that knew many truths of the heavens and it was only a matter of time before that tiny babe would forget her time before she came to earth. So, you can imagine after seeing those eyes that the what ifs totally haunted me because of the knowledge that I almost had lost her.
I wondered how on earth I had failed my tiny fragile baby. Words like Intrauterine Growth Restriction ran through my head and I wondered and questioned what I had done wrong. I asked myself if somehow things would have gone differently if I just ate better, or didn’t struggle with stress from school and family. I questioned if how and when I got pregnant had something to do with why my body had failed to deliver my baby. It took having my second girl to realize that the miracle of birthing babies truly is a work that only Heaven understands and mothers truly pass through the valleys of shadow and death to bring these tiny babes into the world.
Your What if’s
Now your what if doesn’t have to be that traumatic for it to truly haunt you and hold a lot of weight. One of my friend mommies quietly shared with me that she wondered if she had somehow failed her son. She questioned the realities of his speech delay was somehow caused because she didn’t take him to every playgroup and library program like she did with her first.
Another momma shared with me her what ifs surrounding her daughter’s struggle with fitting in with her hockey team. The what ifs started with the simple thoughts of what if I had put her in skating lessons first? What if I put her in a less intensive sport?? What if I encouraged her more where we think her talents are?? The questions kept coming.
Hey Momma, It’s not your fault!!
But momma whatever your what ifs are I am here to tell you that its not your fault!! Life happens. Life isn’t perfect. We all have trials and struggles and sad things happen that we just weren’t prepared for. But we as mommas need to stop the internal or external questioning we harshly bring on ourselves.
If you were to sincerely look back on one of your hard hard hard trials in your life in regards to the what ifs would you actually change it?? Because I wouldn’t. Big Girl’s birth taught me a lot about faith and relying on God when things seem really scary and the questioning of whether your baby is going to survive or not really changes the course of how you mother your kids because you quickly realize that life is a precious gift. These babies are precious gifts. I also learned what I wanted for my next baby in terms of taking care of my own body and health. I learned that sometimes we aren’t always in control and we need to let God control the outcome rather than try to force our will on his.
For the momma who struggled with her babe’s speech delay or the other momma who struggled with her daughter fitting in I am sure they would tell you when they look back on their struggles the things that their family learned. The momma with the babe and the speech delay might have learned patience, sign language, empathy for others who may have kids who struggle with communication too. The momma with the little girl who was discouraged that she couldn’t keep up or fit in has learned to be tenacious and to never give up even when something is hard.
Can your talents help solve those what ifs??
I have come to embrace the realization that maybe just maybe the trials and struggles and the total curveballs that are thrown our way might actually be something in life that we have already been prepared for. I truly believe because a special momma told me that she thinks that sometimes we are given the trials we are because our talents will allow us to help bring a positive solution or change to what we have been given to encounter.
My friend loves to refer to me as a digger. I am a research addict and I love to know the stats behind things, the whys, the because. I love to know why exactly each parenting strategy works or doesn’t and the outcomes that come from it. But without getting totally sidetracked I have come to find that this skill allows me to dig deeper when the parenting strategies I am using at home don’t work or the behaviour isn’t quite going the way I want it too. Instead I am able to embrace the fact that maybe theses issues just need a little tweak through my talent of research.
I bet you momma can already start to see in your own life the talents that you possess or have that have helped you solve the problems or trials you once had. Each day I am learning that maybe just maybe this life isn’t merely about coincidence but more about a loving God who guides us through the life we live by placing us in such refining situations that we can’t help but be drawn to be more like Him if we allow ourselves to be.
I know. I know. It doesn’t make it easier but those lessons; those hard life lessons teach us a lot about who we truly are, who we can rely on in life when things just suck, and the courage we truly have. As we learn how to humble ourselves before God and realize that He is there no matter what happens we can find that inner peace and let go of the what ifs because momma it’s not your fault!! When life throws you those hard curveballs or those what ifs remember that its not your fault.
Keep your chin up and say to yourself I can do hard things because ultimately the what ifs will teach an amazing lesson if we allow it to. And remember Hey Momma, It’s not your fault!!
Because oh puh-lease!! You’ve got this momma!!